A Sad Day in the Empire State
The Rev. Dr. Michael Tino is the minister of the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Northern Westchester
At the end of September, my partner and I celebrated our tenth anniversary together. In that time, we’ve endured job searches, health scares, buying a house, and starting to plan a family. We’ve stuck together through seven years of seminary education (not an easy feat—ask any minister you know) and a move to the largest metropolitan area in our nation. Upon arriving in New York in 2007, we were told that it was only a matter of time before our home state would allow us to marry one another. Unfortunately, we’re still waiting.
Earlier today, the New York State Senate put our dream of a Hudson Valley wedding complete with full legal recognition on hold indefinitely. By a surprisingly large margin, our Senate defeated a bill to enact marriage equality here in the Empire State—a bill supported by our Governor and passed three times already by our State Assembly. Thirty-eight (of sixty-two) Senators voted “no,” including mine, who got a piece of my mind within minutes of his vote.
It’s not about politics here: in poll after poll, a clear majority of New Yorkers stand on the side of love in favor of full marriage equality. Allies on this issue come from all racial, ethnic and class backgrounds. From the rural upstate counties to suburbs to the cities, New Yorkers support my right to marry.
So many of us watched, hoped, and prayed that New York’s Senate would bend the moral arc of the universe a little more toward justice this week. Instead, New York became the latest state where fear has beaten love, where intolerance has triumphed over equality, where ignorance reigns over courage. New York became the latest place where the civil rights of same-sex couples were voted on—and the latest place where they were defeated.
I will admit: I’m tired of it. I’m tired of having my civil rights voted on. I’m tired of paying more in taxes because my partner and I can’t have our relationship recognized by our government. I’m tired of worrying with every ache and pain, with every trip to the doctor that one of us will end up in the hospital alone. Worse yet, that one of us will die before we can get married, making the survivor liable for inheritance tax on half our house’s value.
I’m also tired of being told “It’s nothing personal. I love gay people; I’m just opposed to letting them marry.” As I wrote on my personal blog last week, we’ve heard that old argument before, with different words in it. “I can’t be racist, some of my best friends are Black and Latino,” says the politician against voting rights. “I care about that interracial couple, that’s why I won’t sign their marriage license,” says the judge defending his discrimination.
For me and my partner and millions of loving, committed same-sex couples around New York State, it’s deeply personal. It hurts. A lot. And so it’s a sad day in New York for everyone standing on the side of love.
I feel ashamed that people will use any excuse to deny a simple and basic right to the point of legislating against it. Your love is as sacred as any other and deserves to be recognized, legally and spiritually. And what a waste of tax dollars and time! I will light a candle for you and your partner, and for all those others who simply wish for the right to say “I DO!”
In light & love
Kimberly
I’m so sorry. My wife and I have one of California’s 18,000 “asterisk marriages,” having married in that brief window of time between the California Supreme Court’s bold decision and the soul-crushing defeat of same-sex marriage by the fearful and bigoted voters who approved Prop 8. So while we are fortunate enough to have a real marriage, it still feels second-class since the right no longer exists in this state — and we feel deeply for all gay and lesbian couples everywhere who yearn for marriage, for equality, for recognition as the real families they are.
I believe in that slowly bending arc toward justice. But like you, I am tired of waiting for justice and fairness to overcome fear, bigotry, prejudice, and hatred. Sick and hurt and tired.
My heart is with you New Yorkers today. May you find strength in the knowledge that so many in New York and across the nation stand with you in spirit and truth.
Why not just “let it go” and “move on” Rev. Tino?
And no. . .
That is not a suggestion that you actually should “let it go” and “move on”. It is simply a sincere desire to hear you clearly articulate why it is that you choose the fate of not “letting go and moving on”.
I am curious on several levels.
Rev Tino, Congratulations to you and your partner on the Anniversary of your 10 years together. I Stand with you, your partner and the many people I love and the millions I don’t know who are living under this horrific discrimination. I bear witness, I pray, and I educate at every turn and every opportunity. I challenge, I vote, I support, I rally, and I believe, that you and your partner will prevail and get the rights that were wrongly taken from you. Fear and hatred cannot win. They never do. I’m only sorry that it is taking so long. And I’m only sorry that politicians and propaganda artists play games and wreac havoc on the lives of so many people and families just to insure votes. My prayers continue to be with you, and I and my family stand on the side of love. We always will, as God always does.
Dear Rev. Tino,
I am so sorry about the NY Senate vote. It is horribly unfair.
To me, the debate is unnecessary because it all comes down to what we want for our children. If one of my children would be happiest married, why should I distinguish between a heterosexual child and a homosexual child? We love all our children.
I wish everyone could realize that.
From a UU in the Washington DC suburbs of Maryland: We are sad for our New York friends and family members and sad for the entire nation. As we wait on the final council votes and then to see what Congress will do about Washington DC’s recent vote to allow same-sex marriage, I saw a quote yesterday that, in my mind, explains much: “Faith is what made black Christians send gays to the back of the bus.” Not to imply that only black Christians are working to undermine the civil rights of LGBT people, as this concept applies to more groups than just black Christians. However, I really believe that using religious arguments is just a smokescreen for many people to keep one group down while trying to elevate themselves.
Thanks for the love, everyone.
Janet: I want to specifically respond to you, because I think it needs to be made clear that this issue transcends race and religion. Many of the State Senators who voted in favor of the bill were People of Color (and a large majority of the NYS Senators of Color voted yes), and many were from conservative religious traditions. One even mentioned this in his speech, saying that his religious beliefs would teach him how to live his life but wouldn’t interfere with him voting in favor of civil rights for others.
in peace and love,
Michael
Michael–I read your letter to your State Senator and said “right on!” I am sad to live in a state (Wisconsin) that has one of those mean spirited constitutional amendments. I am simply hopeful that as time passes the arc will indeed shift (since as you know the polling data show younger folks have a much more loving and rational view than my fellow old white guys. Take heart. There are many of us who stand with you and we will prevail some day.
Another thought–I’ve gotten to the point with the conservative Democrats where I am willing to say, you don’t get our votes or money anymore. I used to be part of the “well at least he’s better than a Republican” and hold my nose. I think that we need to deny these Depublicans our votes and our money, which otherwise they take for granted. Maybe if they get some primary opponents or lose int the general they won’t be so quick to forget their progressive supporters when they are elected.
It seems so unrealistic really. There is so much hurt, what we must endure each and every day . Where is the truth fullness of our Constitution? Freedom, Justice and the Persuae of Happiness? Well, it is not there. It’s not there for our African American friends either, even so they have achieved a lot. Its not there for us either, and we have come a long way since the Stone riots in New York City. Its not there for the many Native American Indians, who have been put into Indian Reservations, and have been driven out of their land, and away from their way of living. To put white mans first! I think it stinks. Sure, we have Democracy, but really , honestly, I feel still more punished and like a slave, then living like a real Free American. Isn’t that sad? When will we be accepted as 100% EQUALS? WHEN????